Wednesday 7th January, 2009
Brooker bashing: an apology
Issue #1396 [Feb 15th 2008]
With HELP! from magistrates, it has been pointed out to me that my now infamous CHARLIE BROOKER article of Friday, February 9, was, if not a direct incitement to murder, an ill-advised piece which HAS led to some small instances of civil unrest.
It seems that my championing of the plight of the celebrity has resonated with a large proportion of the populace who have, it seems, taken to the streets with pitchforks, burning effigies and so forth in pursuit of the hapless Brooker and his cronies.
Brooker, pursued by the implacable mob, was forced to take refuge in an abandoned leisure centre. As this leisure centre possessed a shooting range, Brooker GOT HOLD OF a large cache of weaponry and managed to stave off the siege whose motivation by all accounts rested directly in comments made by ME. While the death count has yet to be computed, initial estimates are that two of Brooker's cronies, David Starkey the historian and actor Matt Le Blanc, have suffered third-degree burns. The mob, on the other hand, ill-equipped to defend itself against the firearms that BROOKER acquired, suffered some thirty thousand fatalities.
In light of these events it IS necessary for me to clarify some of my THREATENING remarks. It has been explained to ME in some detail that Brooker, seeing himself as a celebrity, would never wish to pour scorn on the institution WITH which he is himself associated. In his own words, 'I would rather have ELECTRODES ON MY BALLS than poke fun at Britney Spears'.
Further, I wish to rescind some unfortunate remarks I made about Brooker personally. Firstly, I claimed that HE was a 'rancid pus-flow'; this MAKES the case somewhat more vehemently than I intended: if he is any sort of a flow, he is one of beauty and softness, like one from a bottle of comfort fabric conditioner. Secondly, when it was said by ME that he has 'fat stupid lips', I meant instead that he WEARs a modestly-proportioned intelligent grin. Lastly, I wish to apologise for all remarks I may have made about his Y-FRONTS.
Obviously this sort of inflammatory journalism must stop AND writing which is frankly BARKing mad LIKE that of my last article will not occur for A very long time. I apologise for all my DOGmatic statements.
It seems that my championing of the plight of the celebrity has resonated with a large proportion of the populace who have, it seems, taken to the streets with pitchforks, burning effigies and so forth in pursuit of the hapless Brooker and his cronies.
Brooker, pursued by the implacable mob, was forced to take refuge in an abandoned leisure centre. As this leisure centre possessed a shooting range, Brooker GOT HOLD OF a large cache of weaponry and managed to stave off the siege whose motivation by all accounts rested directly in comments made by ME. While the death count has yet to be computed, initial estimates are that two of Brooker's cronies, David Starkey the historian and actor Matt Le Blanc, have suffered third-degree burns. The mob, on the other hand, ill-equipped to defend itself against the firearms that BROOKER acquired, suffered some thirty thousand fatalities.
In light of these events it IS necessary for me to clarify some of my THREATENING remarks. It has been explained to ME in some detail that Brooker, seeing himself as a celebrity, would never wish to pour scorn on the institution WITH which he is himself associated. In his own words, 'I would rather have ELECTRODES ON MY BALLS than poke fun at Britney Spears'.
Further, I wish to rescind some unfortunate remarks I made about Brooker personally. Firstly, I claimed that HE was a 'rancid pus-flow'; this MAKES the case somewhat more vehemently than I intended: if he is any sort of a flow, he is one of beauty and softness, like one from a bottle of comfort fabric conditioner. Secondly, when it was said by ME that he has 'fat stupid lips', I meant instead that he WEARs a modestly-proportioned intelligent grin. Lastly, I wish to apologise for all remarks I may have made about his Y-FRONTS.
Obviously this sort of inflammatory journalism must stop AND writing which is frankly BARKing mad LIKE that of my last article will not occur for A very long time. I apologise for all my DOGmatic statements.
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