Read between the headlines

Every country has its own wide selection of newspapers: those catering for all colours of the political spectrum, those dedicated to the entertainment-seekers, and those designed for the sports-mad. Yet few others countries have the same national divisions along paper lines. Here, you are judged immediately by the sort of newspaper you read. Choose a paper and your position is carved in stone. You will be accepted by fellow readers of that newspaper and have your position ridiculed by everyone else. In this country, the choice of print media defines the person.

My situation is further complicated by the fact that I have not yet understood these subtle distinctions. I still don’t know which newspaper represents which position. Even more problematically, I’m not even sure which position I hold, or would like to be seen as holding. My knowledge is really very limited. When I walk into a newsagents’ with a friend, which paper do I pick up? This one has a fairly conservative-looking typeface but uses three exclamation marks in the headlines. That one has a heavily pixellated picture of what I can only imagine is a sinning celebrity; this one has a completely pixel-free version of the same picture. Which one to choose? Is the Guardian a good choice for a cynic with little interest in sports and even less interest in economics? Will the Independent satiate my craving for celebrity gossip? Can the Spectator rival the Times on Sunday for theatre reviews? Will the News of the World be proofread this week? Which paper should I take? What to do?

The names stare at me from the rack. The Guardian. The Times. The Daily Telegraph, the Daily Mail, the Evening Standard. I take a wild guess and assume that the Star and the Sun are not the most literary of choices. I have also learned (the hard way) that Metro and the London Paper are not for the discerning newsreader, but that really doesn’t narrow the field.

All I really know is that everyone loves jumping on the Daily Mail – figuratively and literally. I have no idea myself, of course, but I think I may get funny looks later on if I admit to reading it. Better leave it. How about the Times? Ah, now obviously I know about the Times. This is the Rolls-Royce of newspapers, even though it has been reduced to tabloid format. The intelligent man’s newspaper. Or is it? Maybe it’s become too popular. Maybe that’s the latest fashion and I’m just jumping on the bandwagon. I don’t like being a follower … I should be a trendsetter. Choose a paper that no-one ever reads, like the Observer. Or the Financial Times – meaningless numbers, statistics, and symbols backed by incomprehensible pseudo-theory. I am studying physics, so it should be right up my street.

What’s the fashionable man about town reading this winter? Do I decide based on font size? Number of pages? Breast size of centrefold? Complexity of crossword? Percentage of paper given over to the sports section? Number of swear words in the headlines?  Or should I decide based on something as pedestrian as price?

In all honesty, I can’t decide on a real newspaper to read. I think I’ll just stick to Felix.