Horoscopes 21-09-07
Aquarius
Welcome, NEW BLOOD. This here be the horoscopes section just not in the traditional sense of the ******* word. SEE THAT. THAT’S WHAT I MEAN. I SAID “****”. OR “*******” to be more precise. Argh! Look at that. I’ve had to bring the grey censor boxes out already and we haven’t even got to the first issue. Blame your parents.
Pisces
This week you go to Freshers’ Fair. There is a society called the Golden Shower. This intrigues you. So much so that you join up, immediately. You run home to your halls in fits of rippling giggles. You’re body wobbles like jelly as you convulse cradling yourself in the corner of your room. Golden ShowerSoc turns out to be very disappointing.
Aries
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UP.
Taurus
“What’s going on here?! What’s this commotion? I’ll have you know this is a respectable newspaper, the bastion of journalistic integ...”
*thud*
...
...
Silent. Deadly.
Gemini
Man, what should I put on the front page? I’m not quite sure. I know! Perhaps filling in a few of these horoscopes will inspire me! Hallalujah! Yes, I am aware that’s spelt incorrectly. Hence, there’s a jagged red line under it that is not visible on the internet version. We found the spell checker function in InDesign this year. Is naaiiiiceeeee.
Cancer
This week you find a small population of half mongoose-half quail creatures living underneath the rim of your toilet bowl. For most people this would come as a startling surprise, but ever since THAT accident involving Sarah Jane, her clunge and an actual scapegoat, your outlook on life has changed quite significantly. Amen.
Leo
This week you start at Imperial College. Someone here knows you. But do you know them? They’re probably stalking you right now. Keep your eyes peeled or they’ll be all up in your grill faster than you can say “A Chagrin in Four Parts”. And when they’re there, what are you going to do? In Out Here There. Gone. Violation complete. Be safe.
Virgo
Attending your first lecture, the excitement soon wears off and you find yourself struggling to remain awake. Suddenly, a hidden panel slides open, and a hairy man wearing only the pages ripped from a textbook drags you into a pit, long hidden from society’s prying eyes. Waking to your own screams, you find it was all an allegory for your new life.
Libra
Your hand falls upon the hand of someone from the opposite sex. After making polite apologies and eye contact, you sit down at the nearest table entering into a polite conversation. Smiles are beaming, heads are nodding. You sniff your hand: “Mmm... I love the smell of downstairs mix-up in the morning.”
Scorpio
Jazz. BROOOP BROP BROP. POOT POOOOT POOT. Strum strum strum strum. POOOOOT POOT BOOP BOOP BROP. Ding ding ding-ding din-din-ding POOPPOPOPOPOPOOP. BROOP. Strum strum strum strum strum strum sturm. Tootle BROOOPBROP. POOT. Ka-tooshhhhhhh. Buh-duhhlllllll... DUM.
Sagittarius
Before the Freshers’ Ball you drunkenly declare sensory warfare on the rest of mankind. Creating the most terrifying holocaust of odour and ocular offense ever known, you are shamed by the superior firepower of fellow revellers and retreat to the arms of a girl wearing enough makeup to paint the whores of Babylon. Pimp.
Capricorn
I would do the “This zodiac symbol looks like...” entry as it’s screaming out to be done, but I think I’ll wait for that later in the year. WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. For now, I’m going to create a self referential entry where I talk about creating a self referential entry where I talk about creating a self referential entry where I talk about creatin
