Freshers' Personality Test
BOYS
1. You arrive in halls for your first day of university life. How exciting! Do you:
A – Unpack your wealth of black jeans and black T-shirts with mythical beasts on the front, before meticulously arranging your textbooks in alphabetical order by author.
B – Let your mother unpack your clothes into your chest-of-drawers whilst you head to the nearest offie to stock up on booze.
C – Unpack your cravates, loafers and love sheathes.
D – Sharpen your eyeliner pencil, touch up your fading roots and cut the tips off the gloves your mummy bought you.
2. You say goodbye to your parents and then go to see your hall mates. Do you:
A – Ask everyone what their favourite episode of Babylon 5 is and discuss which actor was the best Doctor Who.
B – Immediately ask where the nearest watering hole is, then lead a procession of students to the pub.
C – Hang back in your smoking jacket watching the ladies go by.
D – I HATE THEM ALL. WHY WON’T THEY DIE?!
3. Your first day is nearly over. It’s the evening on your first night in halls. Do you:
A – Invite “everyone” back to your room to compare A-level marks (not grades; grades are far too ambiguous) compare pokémon cards whilst enjoying a few simple maths problems.
B – 4 pints down! 10 to go! Do well. GET IN MY SON!
C – Light some candles in your room, fluff the pillows and smooth out your tiger-striped satin sheets in preparation for marking off Notch 1 on the bed-head.
D – Liberally apply some black and white face paint, listening to My Chemical Romance whilst feeling sorry for yourself.
4. It’s two mornings after the night that was two nights before. Do you:
A – Soldier on with your maths problems. Schrödinger’s Equation isn’t going to solve itself is it?
B – Roll over in your bed and go back to sleep ignoring the slight jab in your side. After all, morning? What’s morning?
C – Strike Notch 1 on the bed-head before slinking off to the billiard (pool) room for morning cognac and cigars.
D – Head to the nearest independent bookstore (CORPORATE GREED SUCKS) to buy some Sylvia Plath literature.
5. It’s a glorious Sunday afternoon. Life is good, the world hasn’t blown up. Do you:
A – Make a trip to the Games Workshop to increase the size of your Warhammer 40k army. With this student loan, heck, I can get a 5000 point army rather than my measly 2500 point regiment.
B – Head to the Union bar with your newly acquired drinking partners ready to shout and scream at the overpaid footballers on Super Sunday.
C – Move on to bed-head notch number 2 by going for a delightful tea and scones picnic in Hyde Park followed by a bit of *whistle* underneath the weeping willow trees.
D – Head off to Camden Market to buy yourself some stripey black and white tights.
6. It’s Monday. I don’t like Mondays. It also means induction day where you have to sit in the Great Hall and listen to the Rector’s speech. Do you:
A – Attend the induction lecture and even get complimented by the Rector for raising an important point.
B – Go for a kick about in Prince’s Gardens, a dip in Ethos swimming pool before hastily heading to the Union bar.
C – Skip the speech and introduce yourself to your tutor in a bid to begin making intimate head way. Notch 3 here I come baby.
D – Set fire to the pamphlets and Union Handbook that you were given on your first day in halls.
7. Freshers’ Fair fever is everywhere and you’re infected just like everyone else. There are so many clubs. Which do you join?:
A – Sci-Fi! War Games! Internet & Gadget! Linux Users! Chess! This is heaven!
B – Football/Rugby/Netball. Er... the last one is obviously for chasing tail. You’d never actually be seen dead in playing the sport itself.
C – Dramsoc, Leonardo, Artsoc, Meat Appreciation, Wine & Fine Drinks. I’ll show them all a thing or two.
D – Clubs... What the hell? LAME. (Well, except from Alternative Music Society. But still, that’s just within the realms of non-commerical acceptability.)
8. The Union has scheduled lots of events to keep the Freshers entertained during their first week. Do you:
A – Head along to see Stevie Star The Regurgitator dressed in your Jean-Luc Picard Star Trek outfit. BETTER THAN KIRK.
B – Attend the Freshers’ Ball for some fast flowing Snakey B’s and have a right knees up!
C – Make your presence known at the East India Club, after all the Union is far too low brow for your tastes.
D – Make your way to the Roxy to do some some skanking and drink some neat vodka. Perhaps you’ll try your luck with Peaches Geldof or that one from the Gossip, you know, Beth Ditto.
9. Unfortunately, it’s time to start commencing the next stage of your education. It’s your first lecture. Do you:
A – Head straight the to front row ready to answer any questions the lecturer has and more importantly, to correct him whenever he makes the slightest mistake.
B – Sit in the back row throwing paper aeroplanes whenever the lecturer’s back is turned. Really though, you wish you’d taken that course in finance.
C – Skip the lecture and head to your tutor’s office to conclude where you left off the other day. Notch 3 down!
D – Sit off to the side of the lecture theatre taking down the notes and listening attentively whilst keeping your air of solemnity. After all, you’re ultimately out to please daddy so you can continue with the family accountancy business.
10. Fast forward to the end of the year and the summer holiday. Your results are in. What’s the most likely situation you’ll find yourself in?:
A – You’re still going over the question papers from your first year exams. You can never get enough practice in!
B – You’re preparing for your August resits whilst bed stricken and holding out for the NHS waiting list to decrease so that you can get that liver transplant.
C – You’ve bought two tickets to Dubai. One for yourself and one for Dr L’teet.
D – Daddy’s pleased that you’ve passed your exams with flying colours. It’s time to bin your stripey tights and repack your normal, colourful clothes before you return home to the country retreat.
GIRLS
1. You arrive in halls for your first day of university life. How exciting! Do you:
A – Unpack all of your clothes and enter into your hall’s induction program.
B – Unpack your pearls, thongs and Jimmy Choo’s, not forgetting to apply the lippy liberally.
C – Attempt to decipher the Union Handbook and the rest of your welcome pack. Hold on, why the hell is the water flowing the other way round the toilet bowl?
D – Watch whilst mum unpacks for you, then stock up the fridge.
2. You say goodbye to your parents and then go to see your hall mates. Do you:
A – Observe the boy-to-girl ratio, but think... “Hmm, oh well, not to worry.”
B – Feel disgusted at the amount of chavs there are in South K.
C – Find yourself thinking that you wished everyone would speak more slowly.
D – Follow the lad who is leading the procession to the watering hole.
3. Your first day is nearly over. It’s the evening on your first night in halls. Do you:
A – Have a few sociable drinks not forgetting that you need a clear head for tomorrow.
B – Head straight to Boujis. Prince Harry, here I come!
C – Recoil in horror at the vast amount of liquid in the pints given to you.
D – 4 pints down! 10 to go! Do well. GET IN MY SON!
4. It’s two mornings after the night that was two nights before. Do you:
A – Think: “Wow! Imperial College London! It’s really beginning to sink in.”
B – Wake up in Prince Harry’s bed. My, oh my, that’s what I call a four poster bed.
C – Hop on a London Tour Bus. How much is a bottle of Evian?!
D – Elbow the bloke next to you in the side to make him get his knee out of your groin.
5. It’s a glorious Sunday afternoon. Life is good, the world hasn’t blown up. Do you:
A – Orientate campus and familiarise yourself with your new place of learning.
B – Go for brunch on King’s Road with your girlfriends to gossip about Prince Harry and compare stories.
C – Buy a scale replica of the Eiffel Tower from the Crest Of London before taking off on your flight on the London Eye.
D – Change your sheets. Snakey B vomit is not an attractive colour. Then it’s off to the Union for Super Sunday of course.
6. It’s Monday. I don’t like Mondays. It also means induction day where you have to sit in the Great Hall and listen to the Rector’s speech. Do you:
A – Feel incredibly smug because this speech is all old hat. You learnt it all by reading the Union Handbook cover to cover.
B – Sit there, leg crossed, filing your nails. Pouting. Never forget the pout.
C –Notice how pale everyone looks.
D – Watch a load of guys have a kick about in Prince’s Gardens. You think they’re beginning to remember your name. Swoon.
7. Freshers’ Fair fever is everywhere and you’re infected just like everyone else. There are so many clubs. Which do you join?:
A – Labour/Conservative/Applicable Government Society/DebateSoc.
B – Fashion Society... like duh, what else would you join?
C – Your OSC (Overseas Society) of choice.
D – Netball/Hockey/Women’s Football/Women’s Rugby/Real Ale Society.
8. The Union has scheduled lots of events to keep the Freshers entertained during their first week. Do you:
A – Follow the prescribed timetable which is certain to be a great way of meeting people.
B – Pour out of a limousine in Leicester Square exposing more than you ought to, before waltzing up the red carpet hanging off the arm of Duncan from Blue. Or used to be Duncan from Blue. Now just: Duncan from Blue.
C – Head to the Union now that you’ve become accustomed to your new surroundings. London’s not so bad after all!
D – Freshers’ Week = Seven days of drinking. GET. IN.
9. Unfortunately, it’s time to start commencing the next stage of your education. It’s your first lecture. Do you:
A – Scribble down the notes safe in the knowledge that you’ve thoroughly read around the subject beforehand. At the end of the lecture you nominate yourself as year rep and win convincingly.
B – Catch the heel of your Jimmy Choo’s on your way down the lecture theatre stairs, falling flat on your arse. BLUSH.
C – Thank the Lord that the lecture is all numbers and not words.
D – Regret not taking that BA at King’s/UCL/Queen’s.
10. Fast forward to the end of the year and the summer holiday. Your results are in. What’s the most likely situation you’ll find yourself in?:
A – The First is in the bag and you enjoying the summer but secretly excited for the next year to start.
B – You’ve got to retake the year because you missed all your exams due to entering Big Brother. Even then, you were evicted half way through.
C – You survived the permanent winter and you’re heading home for a summer full of decent food.
D – You’re preparing for your August retakes and your fingers and toes are firmly crossed that the pregnancy test is negative.
ANSWERS – BOYS
Mostly As:
Congratulations, you’re a lovable little GEEK.
Don’t fret though, you’re in good company here at Imperial and really, we’re all just like you.
Mostly Bs:
Congratulations, you’re one of the LADS.
It’s all about the racing, football, beer and of course the Snakey B’s. You’ll leave Imperial for the high pressure world of finance.
Mostly Cs:
Congratulations, you’re a WANNABE CASANOVA.
Ah oui, oui. C’est vrai, c’est vrai. L’amour, c’est le beaucoup de bonne. J’ai alle à la piscine dans la weekend.
Mostly Ds:
Congratulations, you’re an EMO KID.
Don’t panic, it’s only for as long as you’re at Imperial. After that the realisation that it’s just a ridiculous phase will dawn on you.
ANSWERS – GIRLS
Mostly As:
Congratulations, you’re a DILIGENT WORKER.
You’re the cream of the crop. Recruiters will hunt you down in an attempt to employ you.
Mostly Bs:
Congratulations, you’re a West London It Girl.
You’re destined to grace the covers of Nuts magazine (and the Felix centrefold).
Mostly Cs:
Congratulations, you’re an EXCHANGE STUDENT.
Don’t stress. Imperial is full of friendly people who’ll help you get accustomed to your new place of residence.
Mostly Ds:
Congratulations, you’re a LADETTE.
You can chug beer with the best of the lads. Get your suit on, you’re off to the world of finance.
