Brown Couch
"It probably wasn't you, but..."
Flatmate murders have become such a problem for Imperial that new safety guidelines are to be published by College. The guidelines aim to help students cope with communal living without resorting to violence. They will be included in the information pack distributed to first year students in their upcoming annual housing talk.
"It's a very big problem." admits Detective Frank Barnes of the MET. "Usually the murders are provoked by trivial matters which escalate beyond all reasonable bounds. The problem has worsened as increases in London renting prices have led to more and more students living together in smaller and smaller accommodation. This inevitably increases inter-resident tensions - often leading to physical violence and abuse."
Almost all students have experienced stress from living with incompatible people. The past few years, however, have seen the number of students taking matters into their own hands steadily increase. The number of student-on-student deaths in London has now reached a total of 58 with the latest death occurring in January.
The first case occurred in 1998 when two LSE students poisoned an annoying flatmate. When the case came to court, the students pleaded Diminished Responsibility due to Chronic Irritation. They were sentenced to 14 years jail time, but their case was quashed on appeal. The jury ruled that "the victim's repeated transgressions of social etiquette [unauthorised milk consumption, toothbrush use, laundry production, etc] led to the two murderers being entirely and absolutely justified in their actions."
The second case came in 1999 and lawyers successfully used the 1998 precedent to defend 5 students who had slaughtered 2 "friends" over a toilet-roll dispute. Notable cases include a student who lived alone but became so annoyed by his dishes always being dirty that he choked himself to death with a sink sponge.
In 2004, two UCL students were found dead in their rented flat. The police pieced together the chain of events from the thick stack of increasingly aggressive notes pinned to each bedroom door. The notes were always signed "anonymous" and often started "It probably isn't you, but...". The last note on top of each stack simply said "Meet me in the kitchen". The official police report was censored, but rumours have it that one of the unfortunate students was cheesegrated to death.
These killings have provoked Imperial to produce a new set of guidelines. Entitled "Communal Living: Dos and Don'ts", the fact sheet is now being published to coincide with the beginning of the annual "critical period" (March to June). During this time, relationships fray and students begin to see their flatmates no longer as "cool dudes" but as "messed up jerks".
The guidelines are split into two sections. The first deals with practical solutions to common household difficulties. Students are advised to act out scripted role-plays to practice "conflict avoidance". Situation titles include "You never empty the dustbin", "I find your friends personally offensive" and the especially tough "Your continued use of my toothbrush has led me to contract a disease".
The second section is aimed specifically at irritating students. The College belief is that nobody tells these students about their bad habits until conflict is almost unavoidable. It is hoped that the "Warning Signs - Moderate" section, will help the difficult student change their ways and bring about a harmonious household. Specific warning signs that you are irritating your flatmates include "More than 3 door mounted postit notes per week" and "Extra-firm back-slaps on your birthday".
The "Warning Signs - Severe" section covers more extreme situations. Sometimes flatmates are fundamentally incompatible and in this case College suggests that the best outcome is to find alternative residence and attend Imperial's new anonymous social skills classes. Warnings in this category include "Weekly frying pan beatings", "Daily stand up arguments" and "Hourly rushbeatings".
The Brown Couch wishes all our readers the best of luck during the 2006 critical period.
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