IC victims of medic cup shock!
Men's Football
ICSM 1st XI 0
IC 1st XI 0 aet
ICSM won 3-1 on penalties
Three years have passed since the Medic 1st team last defeated the IC 1st team, and after every one of their victories, they wrote some really hurtful things and I'm not just saying that because I've just seen Brokeback Mountain and am feeling in touch with my gay side. I vowed to myself two things. Firstly, to defeat IC and secondly, to write a really nice article. Well, on Saturday the Medics did defeat IC and I guess that means there's only one thing left to do.
All the omens for a victory were there from the start. Most of my players had been out boozing the night before, some even to a strip club. (Did you know strippers accept Mastercard?) My keeper (the Kat Srikanthan) had slept with his contact lenses in and almost failed the pre-match breathalyser. The only thing that seemed to be in my favour was the reduced-priced bananas I got before the match at Tesco, and yes, they were Fairtrade (adding to the positive Karma) and yes, they were slightly soft.
The game was to be played on IC's NASA approved "it's not astro, it's synthetic grass" of a pitch, which is guaranteed to burn your arse, so I prophylactically vasolined. I got my ICSM warriors into the huddle and did my best to give a rousing speech, which was really just a rehash of `Karate Kid 1' and `Gladiator,' but it seemed to do the trick.
The game kicked off and it was obvious from the start that IC was going to have no peace throughout the game. On the wings, Tommy "Ugly" Prior (nickname given to him by his mother) and Donny, a recent addition to our team from Ireland/ Scotland via Cambridge, who really should come with a subtitle option, pulled the IC defence wide. We created few chances, partly due to IC's centre back, who I am sure genetic analysis will confirm is a few chromosomes short of a picnic. Yet the English game has benefited from inbreeding in the past like Peter Beardsley, Matt LeTissier and more recently Wayne Rooney.
Our defence stood tall and limited IC opportunities to the odd shot. Their forward, who turned like Ronaldinho, had the pace of Henry, and luckily for us finished like Emile Heskey, had a few early chances, before being suppressed by "gogo -gadget-legs" Millington. Then, 15 minutes from time, we were awarded a penalty, after the recently subbed on IC winger got a little over excited and attempted to have sex with Donny's arm as he bore down on goal. I looked at TP who, before , you ask, is not a Native American, he is in fact Ji Sung Park's South Korean cousin. TP looked excited, I told him "Focus Daniel-son". TP stepped up, the whistle blew, and TP caressed the ball gently at the keeper who obliged by then saving it. I wasn't angry, just disappointed and I proceeded to give TP some constructive criticism, about how he could become a better person.
It was time for old school extratime, none of that golden-silver-euro bullshit. It passed without incident and to penalties we went. I won the toss, because I'm psychic and elected to go first. "Crouch" Patel (you guessed it, he is Asian and really lanky, is that racism? If it is, lets kick it out of football, if it isn't, it's bloody funny). So, `Crouch' of `Asian origin', stepped up and IC saved. Leon, who has won beauty contests in his native Poland, slotted his bottom corner. The `Kat' Srikanthan then saved. Donny put his bottom corner and IC shanked theirs wide. I then stepped up. I looked up to the sky and promised to go to church on Sunday and limit my daily allowance of internet porn, in return for a goal. I closed my eyes and swung my leg and Jesus put in my penalty. The IC player stepped up, he eyed the ball bashfully like an IC student when they come within 10ft of a non-computer generated woman. The `Kat' saved. Medics 3 IC 1.
So, here's my two cents. Drunk or semi-drunk keepers are more confident and despite what recent studies have shown, alcohol does increase response times. As I sit here writing this article in my pants and not on porn, life feels pretty good. If you are a medic, hold your head up high, but not too high, as everyone thinks we're arrogant. If you are from IC, then you'll just have to resort to a weekend of online gaming.
